[1]Early in my first pastorate, I was advised to avoid favoritism by treating all my church members exactly the same. It took me several years to root this ministry myth out of my system.
Like any myth, there is a seed of truth within it. The dark side of favoritism is when injustice or prejudice stains a relationship. God’s children are forbidden to play favorites based on wealth, power or appearance (Exodus 23:3, James 2). God does not show favoritism when He rewards or punishes us (Acts 10:34, Romans 2:11, Galatians 2:6).
Isolation is the dark side of favoritism that pastors must come to terms with or risk finishing their ministry poorly, if at all. We are called to prioritize some relationships by investing ourselves more intentionally into them. I propose that every pastor should practice favoritism with these three groups.
Family
For a decade, I was the pastor of my wife, her parents and our two children. Your family members are your most important church members and should never have to wonder where they stand with you. While the rest of the world tries to figure out their work/life balance, we are not left with an option to fail here (1 Timothy 3).
Pastors need to sometimes practice favoritism at home. Our wives also do not need to compete with our parents, which is why Moses and Jesus told us to leave them (Genesis 2:24, Mark 10:7-8). This same principle applies to our kids. Jesus and my wife Janet are the king and queen of my life and everyone else needs to get in line behind them.
Friends
There are still too many pastors who are convinced they should not befriend church members because of a fear of favoritism. Although I concede there are risks to church friendships, my experience teaches me the danger of isolation far exceeds that risk.
For example, I recently celebrated my birthday with a house full of former church members. We laughed and cried together past midnight as we recounted fond and funny memories. Your call to ministry is not a sentence to solitary confinement for you or your spouse, so take a risk and let some of them into your inner circle.
Leaders
Wash their feet, kick their pants, but don’t ignore or neglect your staff. I have made that mistake too many times. Jesus often sequestered His disciples from the crowds to eat, worship, teach, encourage or send on specific ministry assignments (Mark 3:13-14).
When the apostles were overwhelmed with the tsunami of souls at Pentecost, God sent a special ops unit of laymen who successfully helped history’s first Christian church avoid a split. They became commonly known as deacons. Deacons, elders, teachers and other key leaders are part of God’s personal growth strategy for the pastor, who still needs to devote himself to prayer and the ministry of the Word. They are also part of your life, so love them like the sacred siblings they are. Prioritize your time with the leaders who serve on the frontlines of a holy war with you.
Love every person God puts into your path without the bias of prejudicial favoritism. Also, be intentional about who God has surrounded you with so you won’t marginalize those He has prioritized for your good.
This article originally appeared in The Southern Baptist TEXAN [2].