[1]NASHVILLE (BP) – Grief can harden hearts. Chet Stewart saw that many times through 60 years in the mortuary business. But he also saw hard hearts soften.
In planning her deceased husband’s funeral, one mother argued with her daughter about who should serve as pallbearers. “They weren’t kind to him when he was sick and dying, and I don’t want them serving as pallbearers,” the mother said. The daughter countered that the people in question were family and ought to be included. Then she stormed out of the room.
As the mother sat crying, Stewart said to her, “The greatest example ever set was the one Jesus set when He had compassion on those who sharply disagreed with Him. I believe you would never regret responding in a loving way.” The woman retrieved her daughter, and they invited their family members to be pallbearers.
Stewart, former owner and CEO of French Funerals and Cremations in Albuquerque, N.M., discovered what other believers who care for the grieving also have learned: God helps us through sorrow when we love Him and love others amid our sense of loss.
“We are here to pursue true north, which is following Jesus and loving other people,” said Sam Williams, professor of counseling at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. “If we will do those two things, we are most likely to flourish emotionally. If we are not doing those things, why wouldn’t we feel bad?”
Grief becomes acute during the holiday season for many. More than a third of Americans (36 percent) said they did not want to celebrate the holidays due to feelings of grief or loss, according to a survey [2] by the Harris polling organization. Some churches offer “blue Christmas” services featuring music, Scripture readings and candles for people dealing with loss.
Among the varied ways people mourn, is there a biblical way to grieve the death of a loved one? Yes, Williams says, though the particulars vary from person to person.
“A starting point in helping those who are grieving is to be patient with them,” he said. “Sometimes my alarm clock goes off and says, ‘It’s time for you to get over this.’” But “I want to pay more attention to God’s clock and that person’s clock than my own clock.”
[3]An important step to grieving well, Williams said, is not focusing so exclusively on sadness that we block other emotions which are just as real. “We can’t erase” pain and sorrow, “but neither do we have to be totally fused with them in such a way that we don’t just have an emotion, it has us. It owns us.”
In one instance, the grief of a mother who lost her young adult child turned into depression. Williams told her to garden for one hour each day because she loved gardening before her child died. It helped. In other cases, volunteering in a food pantry, hospice facility or assisted living center has helped grieving people regain touch with emotions in addition to their grief.
But what if someone else is grieving and you are seeking to help them?
To help a grieving person, Williams said, “try to find a way to move toward them rather than avoiding them.” That can include saying, “I love you,” giving a hug, sending a card, giving flowers or sharing a memory of their deceased loved one.
Hospice chaplain Tim Colovos has learned similar lessons about grief. He urges grieving people not to isolate themselves or turn to alcohol or drugs. He also reminds them, “It’s OK to lean into grief.”
Following a death, grieving people should not feel pressure “to hurry up and get back to work” and “find this new normal” everyone speaks about, said Colovos, a chaplain at Hospice of Southern Kentucky and pastor of White Stone Quarry Baptist Church in Bowling Green, Ky.
Another important step in godly grief is finding what Colovos calls “anchors.”
“When I go fishing, an anchor is going to hold me steady,” he said. “So I always encourage families to try to find two to three anchors of things that have not changed” even though their loved one is gone. Anchors might include a church family or a neighbor who wants to help. “As believers, we know the ultimate anchor is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
For those helping the grieving, one phrase should be avoided: “Let me know if I can help.” Instead, Colovos said, think of an appropriate gesture of compassion and do it. That might include taking food to a family coping with loss, praying with them or reading Scripture to them.
“It is OK to insert yourself into their story,” Colovos said. “You do not have to ask permission to do that.”
To facilitate godly grieving, Stewart urged individuals coping with loss to share stories about their deceased loved ones, listen to uplifting music and write letters to the deceased to express bottled feelings.
For those desiring to help grieving friends, Stewart said, sometimes simply expressing sadness alongside them is the best ministry.
During Stewart’s first year in the funeral business, working under his grandfather, a young mother was killed in car accident, leaving her 8-year-old daughter behind.
“I was standing not too far away, and this little girl was grieving so deeply,” Stewart said. “I was overwhelmed with her feelings, and I was actually weeping. I just couldn’t help it. It was a very difficult situation. She seemed to respond very warmly to the fact I was affected emotionally by her hurt.”
The experience made Stewart think he may not be cut out for the funeral business because he was “a little too emotional.” So he went to see his grandfather, who said, “If you weren’t like that, I wouldn’t want you here.” Stewart never forgot the lesson.
Rather than possessing special knowledge or skills, he said, to help the grieving, “you just have to have a heart for it.”
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