COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (BP)–Will 7/7/7 bring good luck? For couples saying “I do” Saturday, the date may have meant nothing more than an easy way to remember their wedding anniversary. For others, the triple 7s — a number associated with good fortune -– may be a way to bring more luck to their union at a time when statistics leave many couples believing their chance at a lasting marriage equal the odds of winning big at a Vegas casino.
Of course, a truly solid marriage takes much more than luck, but in the spirit of lucky 7s, let’s look at seven tips to help Saturday’s brides and grooms look beyond finger-crossing en route to cultivating a lasting marriage.
1. Marriage may not be what you think it will be.
Each spouse has different expectations of what a marriage will be like. More often than not, these expectations just aren’t realistic. Premarital counseling -– a requirement by many pastors -– is a great tool to help couples work through their differing opinions of what married life will be like before the vows are made. But consistent, ongoing and honest communication will need to continue throughout the relationship -– as will mutual love and respect.
2. Get on the same page financially.
Money is often the number one cause of conflict in a marriage. Couples should sit down –- before they are married or soon after –- to work out a budget they both can live with, and again set clear expectations for their marriage. This will allow a couple to save, deal with unexpected expenses and charitable giving, and still allow them the freedom to plan for “fun expenses.”
3. Sex & intimacy.
Sex is an important part of any marriage, but an area that couples are often afraid to discuss openly. Couples have varying sexual appetites and desires, so they can’t compare themselves to other couples or what appears “normal” in television and movies. Each couple will have their own unique “comfort zone.” Often, dysfunction in a sexual relationship has a lot to do with a couple’s overall health. Even though you may not want to admit that your sex life has fizzled, it may signal a deeper issue and should not be overlooked.
4. Develop a plan for resolving conflict.
All couples have conflict, and it’s OK to have disagreements in a marriage. However, verbal or physical abuse is never healthy. Husbands and wives should never attack each other with statements like “I hate you” or “I wish I never married you.” Instead, they should deal with disagreements quickly, attack the problem not the person, stick with the subject at hand and remember it is more important to maintain the relationship than win the fight. Couples should always strive to keep their disagreements in private — to argue in public can humiliate a spouse, making him or her become defensive and less likely to reconcile.
5. What happens when we “fall out of love”?
Those who define love as that weak-in-the-knees feeling that comes on a first date occasionally will wonder if they still love their spouse. Romance is only one type of love in a marriage. At times, spouses may feel like they don’t even like each other anymore. Unconditional love must always be the foundation of your marriage — not romantic feelings, which can come and go. Successful married couples are those who develop deep friendships with their mates: They laugh together, cry together, do things they love together. Couples that have happy marriages often see their spouse as their best friend.
6. A marriage takes three.
For many couples, their faith is a common bond in their marriage. Faith can help strengthen couples when they are faced with overwhelming stress in their lives, and churches can provide young couples a supportive community (especially for couples living far from family). It is important to look at spiritual matters before getting married to be sure both spouses agree how God will factor into their marriage.
7. Children are stressful on a marriage.
Between the sleepless nights, endless diaper changes and constant feedings, couples quickly realize that having a child is one of the most stressful and intense moments in their marriage. That baby eventually will sleep through the night, but then it’s carpools and soccer practice. When children arrive, couples need to be prepared to make sacrifices, period. The addition of children changes marriage forever, and there is never a time when maintaining a loving, lasting marriage is more important.
It is possible to have a marriage that truly lasts until “to death do us part.” But it will take much more than luck. It will take persistence, hard work and lots of honest communication.
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Mitch Temple is the director of marriage outreach for Focus on the Family.
