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There is a troubling contradiction between what is preached from the pulpits and what is practiced in the marriages of many pastors today. Because pastors handle God's Word weekly, if not daily, it seems we would be especially sensitive to the passages pertaining to marriage. We study those passages, and even preach from them in our annual sermon series on the family. We are careful to exegete and explain the verses, making sure we give proper attention to husbands' and wives' responsibilities to each other. We know and understand what God expects of us as husbands.
The tragedy is that we so often and easily forget to apply these passages to our own marriages.
A representative of LeaderCare for LifeWay Christian Resources concluded, after years of conferences and consultations with pastors and their families, that 80 percent of pastors' wives are unhappy with their marriage. They consistently reported that they feel they must compete with the church for their husband's time, attention, energy, and affection. These women don't divorce their husbands because of firm, biblical convictions; rather they resolve to live their lives in perpetual loneliness. They raise their children as virtual single parents, and their interaction with their husbands most often is limited to his one-sided lament of the most current crisis at church. She watches her husband tenderly minister to hurting church members, while he remains oblivious to her needs, hurts, frustrations, and fears. These valiant, unsung heroes struggle to find solace, strength, and answers in a misguided and misunderstood notion of "sacrifice for the sake of ministry."
The Bible does not allow this scenario for Christian husbands — pastors or otherwise. God is specific in His directives to husbands, and He is particularly specific in His expectations of pastors. According to I Timothy 4:12, we are to be proper models of speech, life, love, faith, and purity for our congregations. This certainly includes our responsibilities as husbands. God's Word more specifically addresses our responsibility to care for and nurture our wives, and the consequences when we fail to do so.
Total Devotion to Spiritual Growth
Most of us know the sacrificial devotion associated with ministry. We have sacrificed financially to attend seminary, and then accepted salaries lower than the national average for professionals with comparable training. We've been on-call for our congregation twenty-four hours a day. We have responded to emergencies at all hours of the night and then arrived at the office bright and early the next morning. We have devoted more hours to our "job" each week than most of our members do to theirs. We've been challenged, insulted, and scorned by church members for standing firm on God's Word. We've carefully strategized and implemented ministries that will most effectively accomplish the Great Commission. We have prayed diligently for, and helped bear the emotional burdens of, our church members. Such devotion is inherent to the job — shepherds care for the sheep.
But what if we were to apply that same devotion to our wife's spiritual needs and development? Perhaps that sounds odd — we don't often think of our marriage relationships in such light — but look again at God's command to husbands in Ephesians 5:25-30.
[2]Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh, but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of His body. (HCSB)
We know the command for husbands to love their wives, but it's easy to overlook Paul's reference to Jesus as the model for sacrificial love. With the phrase "just as," he indicates that we are to follow Christ's example. He then identifies the goal of Christ's sacrifice: the spiritual growth and development of His bride, the church. He reinforces the comparison with the phrase "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives …" pointing again to the husband's obligation to imitate Christ's spiritual care for the church.
God commands us to be fully devoted to loving our wives, but the appropriate demonstration of this love goes beyond merely being committed to the relationship. It is more than just sending flowers, writing love notes, and taking her out to dinner, as important as these may be. According to Christ's example, such devotion also requires an active commitment to our wife's spiritual growth and wellbeing.
Jesus is the perfect model for husbands. From this passage we find at least four attributes of His love for the church which exemplify our responsibilities to our wives.
Sacrificial Love
Verse 25 says that Jesus "gave himself up" for the church. His devotion to the church was costly — it cost Him His life.
For us to be devoted to our wives' spiritual growth and wellbeing, it will cost us. It takes time, mental and emotional energy, and self-discipline. Such love denies self-centered desires and preferences, and focuses instead on the needs of the wife. It might mean engaging in conversation when we would prefer to sit quietly, or focusing our full attention on her instead of mentally "walking through" the next message or meeting. It means summoning the energy to care about her frustrations, after hearing church members' frustrations all day. It means taking the time to pray with her about a situation she's facing when we are mentally and emotionally drained and would rather just go to sleep.
Jesus gave Himself up for His bride. We bear a striking resemblance to Him when we do the same.
Prioritized Love
The passage also indicates that Jesus is actively and fully devoted to the church, performing all that is necessary to secure our sanctification. The church has never had occasion to conclude that Jesus doesn't have time for her. He is never busy with more important matters. He has demonstrated conclusively that we are not merely a footnote to His plan, but at its center.
Accordingly, we must manage our schedules so that ministry to our congregations is not at the expense of ministry to our wives, but rather in tandem with it. That meeting or appointment can be rescheduled to a time that does not compromise ministry to your wife. Perhaps that phone call could be returned during office hours. When we ignore our wife's spiritual needs and development, justifying it with busy church schedules, we ignore not only Christ's example, but also God's command.
Intentional Love
Jesus' care for the church has never been an afterthought. All of His actions recorded in the passage, from Calvary to His glorious return, are according to His Divine plan.
For us to effectively minister to our spouse's spiritual needs, we must plan and implement. Perhaps this sounds cold and impersonal, but consider God's love for us. It is the most fully planned and executed love in the universe, yet it is neither cold nor impersonal. Good things don't happen by accident, but by design. True spiritual growth doesn't just happen. We schedule times for Bible study, prayer, worship, and fellowship in our churches, why don't we do the same with our wives? Imagine the impact upon our churches if the members saw these applied on a personal level between the pastor and his wife.
Perpetual Love
At the conclusion of this passage Paul likens a husband's care for his wife to the care and feeding of his own body. He then points again to our example, the Lord, who is actively caring for His body, the church, cleansing us with the Word, sanctifying us so that on that day we will be spotless, holy, and blameless.
Care for the body is ongoing. How many of us care for and feed our bodies only once or twice a week? Such neglect would eventually kill the body. In the same way, our care for our wives dare not be occasional, but rather must be ongoing. Because of the unique pressures associated with the role of a pastor's wife, their need for daily care may be more intense. They need daily love, and we are obliged before God to provide it.
Pastoral ministry indeed involves sacrificial devotion. Certain sacrifices are consistent with our biblical mandate and pastoral call. However, God does not expect us to sacrifice our relationship with our wife to obey His call. On the contrary, He expects us to follow Christ's example and thus to be examples to our congregations.
Lest we forget, wives, too, are sheep in need of a shepherd's tender care.
Qualified for Ministry
Not only does God's Word reveal His expectation for husbands to be sacrificially devoted to their wives' spiritual wellbeing, it also reveals that pastors who don't fulfill this duty do not meet the scriptural qualifications for serving as pastor of a local church.
God identifies His requirements for those who serve as pastors in I Timothy 3:1-7. In verse 4 He says, He must manage his own family well …. From what we have seen, it's clear this management responsibility includes providing spiritual nurture for his wife. God made the comparison in verse 5, If anyone does not know how to manage his own family well, how can he take care of God's church?
If I am not making disciples in my own home, how can I presume to make disciples in and through the church? Our first discipleship priority is our own family, and that priority begins with our wives. If we are not obeying God in our responsibilities with our wives, according to these verses we are in no position to serve as pastor in God's larger family.
For All to See
The man who has been a pastor for any length of time understands that pastors are under constant observation. Our actions are scrutinized by our families, our churches, and our communities. Our behavior can impact, positively or negatively, a multitude of lives.
Our children need to see a father's loving care and nurture for his wife. As they do, a boy learns how to treat his future wife, and a girl knows what to look for in a future husband.
The husbands in our churches need to see such care and nurture exemplified in their pastor's relationship with his wife. In so doing, they observe concrete application of biblical teaching and learn how it is to be done.
The world needs to see such examples in the homes of pastors. As it does, the lost see a snapshot of Jesus' sacrificial love for His people, and the door of evangelism is opened further, rather than slammed shut.
An Idea For Nurturing Your Wife: Pray!
Pray for Your Wife.
Make it a point to pray for her every day. Pray for her walk with God — that she would draw even closer to Him, growing daily in godliness. Pray for her responsibilities at home as a mother — that God would give her the strength, patience, wisdom, and mercy to help raise the children in godliness. If she works outside the home, pray for her ministry with unsaved co-workers — that they would see His love through her and be drawn closer to Him, and that she would make the most of evangelistic opportunities. Pray for her in her role as pastor's wife — that she would be driven by God's expectations, not the church members.' Pray for the Lord to deliver her from the evil one (Matthew 6:13). If the enemy can defeat her, he is not far from defeating your church.
Take some time to think of areas where she would benefit from prayer. Ask the Lord to show you how to pray for her. Ask her how she would like you to pray for her. Then, pray.
Pray with Your Wife — Every Day.
This can be awkward — she knows you better than the church members do. You can't impress her with your spirituality — she knows better. She was there when you blew up at the kids. But the humility that accompanies such prayer is good for us.
In your prayer time, praise and thank God for the wonderful things He has done and is doing in your lives — for health, physical provisions, victories in struggles, and answered prayer. Pray for your children — for their spiritual growth, for the struggles they face, for wisdom in parenting them, for the Lord to deliver them from the evil one. Pray for wisdom in situations you are facing as a couple and as a family.