NASHVILLE, Tenn. (BP)–“I do.”
Two simple words spoken between a husband and wife at the beginning of what is hoped to be a marriage of intimacy.
With the United States facing its highest divorce rate in history, many couples have changed “I do” to “I don’t anymore.”
Best-selling author Gary Chapman offers help to couples struggling with intimacy in his new book, “Now You’re Speaking My Language,” released by B&H Publishing Group, the publishing arm of LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention. It is an updated paperback version of his earlier book, “Covenant Marriage.”
Eighty-six percent of divorced couples, Chapman says in his latest release, cite “deficient communication” as the reason for failed marriages. Chapman outlines unhealthy patterns of marriage and offers tips on how to restore healthy communication between spouses.
“Communication and intimacy are two of the most important aspects of developing a growing marriage,” Chapman writes. “Good communication is the road to intimacy. Poor communication leads couples down dead-end streets and through numerous detours.”
FIVE LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION
All communication is not equal in value, Chapman writes. He adds that “some levels of communication foster greater intimacy than others,” and he lists five levels of communication beginning with the most superficial in nature to the most intimate.
The first level is “hallway talk,” defined as nice polite talk said throughout the day. Examples include questions such as: “How are you?” “Be careful.” “See you later.” “Good night.” Such statements, he said, are not to be thought of as useless but instead positive ways to acknowledge the other person’s presence.
Chapman refers to the second level of communication as “reporter talk” which involves only the facts. “You tell each other what you have seen and heard, when and where it took place, but you’re sharing nothing of your opinions about the events,” he writes.
Examples of reporter talk include conversations about events of the day such as lunch meetings and activities involving the kids.
“The success of much of life is dependent upon this kind of communication,” Chapman explains. Transferring information back and forth is necessary to carry out daily life. However, intimacy in marriage requires conversation that goes beyond the facts, he says.
“Some couples who communicate regularly on this level think they have really good communication,” Chapman writes. “In reality, little intellectual, emotional, spiritual or physical intimacy is built on this level of communication.”
“Intellectual talk” is the third level of communication, which goes beyond the sharing of factual information to the sharing of opinions, interpretations or judgments of those facts.
Examples of intellectual talk include, “I think the church should give more money to foreign missions” or “I wish we could spend a weekend together in the mountains soon.”
Level four, “emotional talk,” is a deeper level of communication with the sharing of feelings and emotions.
“We risk much more when we communicate on this level,” Chapman writes, “but we also have the potential for entering a higher level of intimacy.”
Emotional talk includes, for example, how a spouse feels about circumstances at church or about a family situation.
The final level of communication is “loving, genuine truth talk.” According to Chapman, this level allows couples to speak the truth in love, being honest but not condemning, being open but not demanding.
“[Communication on this level] allows each of us freedom to think differently and feel differently,” Chapman writes. “Rather than condemning one another, we seek to understand our spouse’s thoughts and feelings, looking for ways to grow together in spite of our differences.”
Chapman admits that many couples experience little communication on this level, but admonishes that a growing number of couples do find a deep sense of oneness and intimacy in their marriages after experiencing this level of communication with the help of God.
“What is required is an attitude of acceptance,” Chapman writes. “We want to create an atmosphere in which both of us feel safe — safe to share thoughts and feelings honestly and to know that our spouse will seek to understand, even if they do not agree with us.”
He adds, “We come to genuinely believe that our spouse desires our best interest. If we request help, they will seek to help but will not force us to agree with their thoughts and feelings.”
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Jenny Rice is a corporate communications specialist with LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention.
