NASHVILLE, Tenn. (BP)–Gary Chapman’s description of being “in love” may seem humorous to longtime married couples.
“Being ‘in love’ is a feeling that begins with the ‘tingles’ and is accompanied by irrational thinking such as that your spouse is ‘perfect’ and that ‘you will never be happy if you aren’t together,'” Chapman explains in the update of his video series “The Five Love Languages,” released Aug. 7 by LifeWay Christian Resources.
Chapman, an international speaker, bestselling author and marital counselor, believes every romantic relationship begins with the tingles and irrational thinking, but couples face reality two years later when the tingles fade and marital conflict results.
What should couples do when the tingles disappear?
Chapman uses five group video sessions and individual homework to detail the process of filling a spouse’s “love tank” by speaking their love language.
There are five love languages, Chapman says, that when spoken by a spouse can help fill a wife or husband’s love tank.
The five love languages include words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch. While all of these express love, each person has one primary language that speaks love to them the most.
In the study, Chapman expresses his belief that speaking a spouse’s love language and filling their love tank can completely change the climate of a marriage.
“I am convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile,” he notes.
During his 30-plus years as a marriage and family counselor, Chapman has rarely seen a husband and wife have the same love language.
“By nature we speak our primary love language,” Chapman says during one of the Five Love Languages video sessions. “But if it is not your spouse’s love language, it will not mean to them what it would mean to you.”
Through illustrations, Chapman explains to the audience how couples may sincerely love each other, but because they are speaking different love languages, the wife or husband may not feel loved.
“There are thousands of couples who love each other but are not connecting,” Chapman says. “After a while, the love tank is empty.”
He adds, “Because we so desperately need love, when our spouse starts speaking our love language, the love tank begins to fill up, and the whole emotional climate begins to change in the marriage.”
Working on the Five Love Languages update was personal for Chris Johnson, editor in chief in LifeWay’s leadership and adult publishing department.
“I remember the first time I heard Gary Chapman speak about the five love languages,” Johnson recounted. “When he spoke about the language of words of affirmation, my wife looked directly at me and said, ‘That’s you.’ I wasn’t sure what her love language was.
“For a few weeks, I really made an effort to find out what was her love language,” he said. “I discovered it was quality time, so I began to intentionally come home and spend 30 minutes with my wife, giving her my undivided attention and just listening to her talk and share. We had a good marriage beforehand, but this made it even better.”
In addition to his responsibilities at work, Johnson serves as a bivocational pastor at Central Baptist Church in Hendersonville, Tenn. He believes so strongly in the five love languages theory that he requires all couples in his premarital counseling sessions to read the book and identify their potential spouse’s language.
“This book has made a difference in my life personally and I have seen it make a difference in so many marriages,” Johnson said. He also recommends churches use the Five Love Languages study in home groups or in church settings and even for outreach to couples outside the church.
“This is a powerful study,” Johnson said. “It is a universal message for a universal need.”
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Jenny Rice is a corporate communications specialist with LifeWay Christian Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention. The updated Five Love Languages study is available at LifeWay Christian Stores or online at LifeWayStores.com. Additional information on resources and events for couples can be found at www.lifeway.com/marriage.
