Let’s face it: Pastoring would be a piece of cake if it weren’t for… well, people. As pastors, we’re often caught between the ideal of heavenly harmony and the reality of earthly entanglements. Staff squabbles, church member meltdowns, and that one deacon who always insists on singing solo—conflict is as much a part of ministry as potlucks and pews.
But what if I told you that conflict isn’t the enemy? In fact, it’s the key to unlocking deeper relationships, personal growth, and maybe even a fun sermon illustration or two.
Conflict: The Unwanted Gift That Keeps on Giving
You know how Aunt Mabel gives you those itchy sweaters every Christmas? Conflict is kind of like that—it’s uncomfortable but can be surprisingly useful. Without conflict, we’d miss out on opportunities to reveal where we’re not as free, gracious, or patient as we thought. As the saying goes, “No conflict, no revelation—only information.”
The Root Cause: It’s Not Just the Devil Making You Do It
Before you blame the enemy for that heated board meeting, consider this: Conflict often sprouts from our own personalities and emotional wellness (or lack thereof). Here’s a quick breakdown:
- Power and Control Enthusiasts (Type A Pastors, I’m looking at you): You crave order and might get twitchy when the worship leader goes rogue.
- Closeness and Care Crusaders: You want everyone to feel included, which is great until you’re stretched thinner than the budget after VBS.
- Respect and Recognition Seekers: You need to feel valued, and let’s be honest, a little “amen” now and then wouldn’t hurt.
Understanding your own wiring—and that of your staff—can help you navigate the murky waters of church conflict. Remember, “It’s hard to hear from God when you’re always right.”
Branches and Thorns: When Good Intentions Go Wrong
Our emotional roots grow branches—some bearing fruit, others sprouting thorns. For example:
- Micromanaging Mike: He means well but ends up doing everything himself because delegation feels like a trust fall without a catcher.
- Uncoachable Uncle Bob: He’s been teaching Sunday school since Moses parted the Red Sea and isn’t about to change his flannelgraph methods now.
These behaviors can lead to thorns like resentment, bitterness, and the occasional passive-aggressive comment during the sermon.
Better Curious Than Furious: Embracing the Awkward
Next time Sister Susie criticizes your tie choice, take a breath and get curious. Ask yourself, “What’s this conflict revealing in me?” Maybe it’s patience, humility, or the realization that paisley isn’t your pattern.
Trust Falls and Other Dangerous Church Activities
Building trust in your team is crucial. After all, “People will attend your church because of your reputation; they’ll stay because of the community you create.” So how do you foster trust?
- Be Open to Conflict: Encourage honest conversations. Yes, even if it means discussing the controversial color of the new carpet.
- Don’t Play the Holy Spirit: Resist the urge to fix everyone. It’s hard enough fixing the copy machine.
- Pray for the Fruit, Not Just the Fruit Salad at Potluck: Seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance to cultivate love, joy, peace, and the self-control not to respond to that snarky email immediately.
Family, Flocks, and Fumbles
Remember, “The way you lead in your church or business is the way you lead your family.” If you’re snapping at staff, chances are your dog flinches when you come home. Embrace conflict at home as a pathway to deeper relationships—even if it’s about who left the hair in the sink or why the laundry never makes it to the hamper.
Nuggets to Chew On
- “You can rearrange the patio future on the Titanic as often as you want. You’re still going to hit the conflict in front of you.”
- “Lies are easier to believe when the truth is hard to hear.”
- “Nothing produces humility in a Christian as much as an abiding sense of one’s sinfulness. (Jerry Bridges)
- Compromise punts the conflict—unless it’s about where to go for lunch after service.
- What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don’t they come from your passions that wage war within you? (James 4:1)
Conflict isn’t the villain; it’s the plot twist that makes the story interesting. By leaning into conflict with curiosity and grace, we not only grow ourselves but also equip our congregations to handle their own disputes maturely. After all, “Our hope in times of darkness is the presence of God, not the resolution of our circumstances.”
So next time you find yourself in a tussle over hymn selections or coffee flavors in the foyer, remember: hugging a porcupine is possible if you’re careful, and sometimes, it’s the prickliest people who need the most love.
