NASHVILLE (BP) – When Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman got married 40-plus years ago, they knew they were opposites in many ways. After all, that was what had attracted them to each other in the first place. “You fall in love with something you are not,” Mary Beth says.
What they didn’t know, though, is how the differences between them would often make their marriage really, really hard.
They talk about just how hard in “Still Here: Life Together on the Long Way Home,” a new book releasing March 24.
Through the winnin’, losin’ and tryin’
The book does not sugar coat the difficulties in their 41-year marriage. It goes into candid detail about fights, tragedies and the strain brought by Steven’s career on the road.
“There are a lot of great how-to marriage books, and all those are good and we have gleaned information from them,” Mary Beth says. “But it’s very important for people to know that we can’t write a how-to book.” She laughs. “We can write an ‘in spite of’ book. …
“There’s a reason we’ve been married 41 years. Those reasons are a lot of redos and a lot of bearing with one another in love and a lot of forgiveness.”
The book’s title is a play on the title of “I Will Be Here,” Steven’s ode to faithful marriage that became something of a wedding anthem. He wrote the song a few years into his marriage to Mary Beth while his own parents’ marriage was ending.
His mom and dad’s divorce was an “earthquake,” he says now.
“Wait a minute … what do we do with this? If this happened to my parents, how do we know that this won’t happen to us?”
And though it didn’t happen to them, many times it seemed like it could have.
One important practice for Steven and Mary Beth was to remember the “epic and mysterious and cosmic” nature of marriage. It’s literally a picture of Christ and the Church, and Satan wants to destroy it.
“We’re not fighting a battle against flesh and blood,” Steven says. “Sometimes our most heated arguments end with, ‘You know, I am not the enemy. You’re not the enemy, but there is a real enemy who is trying to take us out. And that enemy is not to be trifled with.’”
As sure as seasons are made for change
The Chapmans grow closer together by growing closer to God. That practice “moves us up the triangle” and “pulls us closer to each other,” Mary Beth says.
Steven says he often hears people complain that their spouse is not the person they married.
“Yeah, you are right,” he says. “Because we didn’t marry a mom, a dad, a person who had carried the weight of providing or carried the weight of raising children and heartbreak and sadness, and parents getting older. … Life changes us. And yet also remembering that the person that I fell in love with is still here, is still that person.”
Mary Beth says her struggle has often been feeling overshadowed.
“I’m super guilty of looking at Steve going, ‘OK, listen, my whole life has been about your career,’” she says, laughing. “… Well, wait a second. God called me to this marriage. You know, He’s called me to bear with him in love, and Steven’s been so gracious at going, ‘How can I help you fulfill some of the longings in your heart?’ And so it is so much giving.”
We often hear that marriage is give and take, she adds.
“Well, what if marriage was all give and give and give and give more,” Mary Beth says. “And not really expect the receiving. If we were both willing to do that, I just think we would see potentially a lot of healing. And that’s a hard thing to do because we are sinners and we are selfish at the core.”
I will be true to the promise I have made
The Chapmans are quick to say they have sought a lot of outside help over the years.
“I guess if we’ve done anything well and right in this process, it has been very willing to acknowledge humbly that we don’t have it figured out, that we need help,” Steven says. “We need, ultimately, God’s help.”
And while deciding to go counseling is important and helpful, the daily decision of marriage is the real secret.
“There has to be a posture of we are both broken people living in a broken world,” Mary Beth says. “How can you come together to be bearing with one another in love?”
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